Joe Hudson on Why Self-Understanding Beats Self-Improvement

Address repressed emotions by welcoming and loving them.
Instead of trying to stop or manage your emotions, try to fully experience them. This can lead to emotional clarity and understanding. For example, instead of suppressing anger, recognize it and explore what boundaries it might be pointing to.

Prioritize genuine connection with others.
Actively seek to connect with people authentically. Remember that connection is a fundamental human need and is crucial for well-being and problem-solving.

Challenge negative self-talk.
Become aware of the critical inner voice and recognize that it often stems from past experiences. Work towards changing this voice, understanding that constant self-criticism is detrimental and consumes energy. Shift from self-improvement (which can feel like more abuse) to self-standing through self-understanding.

Practice self-understanding over relentless self-improvement.
Focus on understanding your own motivations, emotions, and patterns rather than constantly trying to fix perceived flaws. Positive change can arise naturally from this self-awareness.

Soften up and open your heart using the VIEW framework.
Utilize vulnerability (saying the scary thing), impartiality (being with others without trying to manage them), empathy (emotionally being with others while staying grounded in yourself), and wonder (curiosity without needing immediate answers) to foster connection and process emotions healthily.

Allow yourself to mourn and grieve fully.
When experiencing loss or disappointment, permit yourself to feel the grief. This can increase your capacity for love and lead to valuable insights.

Reframe fear as excitement.
When feeling fear, try saying “I’m excited” repeatedly, as these emotions have close neurological connections and this can shift your perception. Recognize that some fear might be type two fear, the fear of stepping into a bigger room, rather than fear of physical danger.

Embrace imperfection and see life as a continuous experiment.
Accept that there is no perfect end state and that life is an ongoing process of learning and play. Avoid getting stuck in the pursuit of an unattainable ideal.

Welcome tension in life.
Understand that tension is a natural part of life and that peace comes from being with it rather than trying to eliminate it.

Address defensiveness by acknowledging truth, feeling underlying emotions (like shame), and calming your nervous system.
When you feel defensive, try to find the truth in what is being said, allow yourself to feel any shame or other emotions beneath the defensiveness, and ground yourself through sensory awareness. Recognize that defensiveness often reflects an internal resonance with negative self-talk.

Practice “holistic selfishness” by doing what is deeply right for yourself. Understand that taking care of your own needs authentically can also benefit others and lead to more genuine compassion. This might involve saying the hard truth.

Show up bravely and vulnerably in the world.
Say what is important to you, even if it feels scary, as this can deepen connections and prevent resentment.

Communicate your expectations openly to avoid resentment.
Unspoken expectations often lead to resentment.

Focus on conflict repair in relationships.
Recognize that the ability to navigate conflict and repair ruptures is crucial for the longevity and health of relationships.

Work towards feeling empowered to love fully.
Recognize that it’s difficult to love what you perceive as oppressive. Strive for a sense of personal empowerment to enhance your capacity to give and receive love.

Receive compliments fully.
Allow yourself to take in positive feedback without dismissing it. Fully receiving compliments can challenge negative self-perceptions.

Practice dissolving the sense of a fixed self through practices like meditation or deep connection.
Understanding that “you” are not just your thoughts or wants can be liberating.

Prioritize connection over perfection in your interactions.
People value feeling connected to you more than you being flawless. Embracing your fallibility can actually increase likability and trust.

Cultivate unshakable confidence by knowing your worth is inherent, not tied to performance. Your value as a person is not dependent on your achievements or avoiding mistakes.

Increase efficiency by focusing on enjoyment.
When you enjoy what you are doing, you use less energy, leading to greater efficiency and capacity. Learn to find enjoyment in various tasks, even mundane ones.

Set healthy boundaries that are about self-care and stating what you will do, not controlling others.
Effective boundaries open your heart and focus on your actions in response to others’ behaviour.

Strive for deep peace, which is the ability to be with agitation without aversion. Accept and allow all emotions, even those that seem negative, without resisting them. Resistance is what often causes pain.